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April 3, 2013
by Annie
37 Comments

Kirby Your Enthusiasm

can't hearMy father has lost one of his hearing aids again. I think this is the fifth time since the New Year. Frequently he finds them in the pocket of a sport coat or a pair of pants, but unfortunately that little device doesn’t seem to be holed up in the usual hideouts. We decided to check the washer and dryer…to no avail… and then the ol’ vacuum bag, but that’s when things went south.

My parents had just purchased a new carpet sweeper. Not a Eureka from Sears or a Dirt Devil from Walmart…but the Valhalla of all vacuums…The Kirby Sentria. The crème de la crème deluxe model that costs upwards of two and a half grand. I know it sounds like a lot of money for a couple of hoses, an array of attachments, and some typhoon strength suck, but it’s guaranteed for life. Besides, it’s not just “a little suck.” It’s so powerful that if you sit anywhere near the hose you’ll receive a high colonic. Actually, my mom thought she’d be funny and goose my dad with it, but when she pressed it to his khaki cotton Dockers, the thing sucked his Fruit of the Loom tighty-whities right through them. Shell-shocked, he gathered himself enough to quip that the last time he felt anything close to that down there was on furlough in Guam back in ’43. Lucky he was using his walker at the time or we might still be looking for him wrapped around a belt or smothered in the bag.

I remember the day they made the appointment with the sales agent who was going to give them a “quick demonstration.” Having had my own close call with a Kirby go-getting rep, I warned…”Don’t get hoodwinked into buying one. They are heavy as hell and it will set you back a few G’s.” The next thing I knew…that turbo charged Anaconda was in the walk-in closet…along with attachments, brushes, bristles, wands, shampoos, turbo sander and all.

They recounted how that “cute little girl” came to the door covered in hoses and belts, and lifted that steel lunar lander contraption with such ease it seemed a toddler could meet the challenge.

Then she cleaned an area rug. Seeing that they weren’t ready to sign on the dotted line, she steam cleaned a sofa. Still sensing their reluctance, and looking to seal the deal, she strapped on yet another nozzle to tackle a mattress. Supposedly in one tornadic touchdown, that Kirby relocated bed bugs off their Serta Perfect Sleeper like 1,000 Toto’s en route to Oz.

Of course now that young salesgirl is nowhere to be found…and they can’t run the damn thing. There is a 30-minute instructional DVD designed for Rhodes scholars on how to attach belts and accessories, but my parents are stumped with the on/off button.

That renegade rig is so intimidating that they have shut the door to the closet and left it to languish in solitary confinement like a feared extortionist.

I did pick up the brochure to see if they had any quick-start tidbits. Instead, I found testimonials from satisfied customers describing the many creative uses they’d come up with for their Kirby. Supposedly if you reverse the polarity it turns into a high-powered blower, sending leaves soaring to the next county. Another happy customer had a flat tire. Unable to remove the last lug nut, he pressed the Kirby hose to the hubcap and within a few wind tunnel sucking seconds he was attaching a new wheel. The last review was not as uplifting, but I feel the guy had relatively few options. His young daughter had let her pet lizard out of its cage and somehow it became stuck behind the hot stove. In a moment of brilliance he positioned the hose, and was instantly able to Mach 4 transport that reptile into a soft Oklahoma dust bowl bag.

Now all this would be amusing if my folks were a couple of kids on “Jackass” experimenting with daredevil death wishes, but these are my aging parents. The same people who raised and kept me from harms way and are now in their 80’s. So the declaration of that metal monster lasting a lifetime is superfluous. What’s worse, they charged them list price. They prey on older people who have trouble accessing the internet to find out others have been able to negotiate down to as little as $600 for the same model. Shame on you…. “cute little salesgirl” and anyone else who feeds on those who don’t understand you’re shtick. Kirby Karma is an angry bitch and she’s waiting for you.

There’s still no sign of my dad’s hearing aid. We’re now wondering if it might have reversed course and retreated back through the ear canal. If that’s the case, maybe we should put the hose to his head and see if we can suck that thing to the surface. Then again he’s getting pretty cantankerous, and we’re worried that we might get more of a piece of his mind than we’d bargained for.

March 26, 2013
by Annie
33 Comments

A Remote Possibility

old manAt five o’clock, Harry poured a stiff drink and settled back in his recliner to watch the news. He picked up the remote, his fingers fumbling for the volume button, pressing it repeatedly until the television raged violently.

The old man gripped the changer firmly out of fear he might misplace it. Nothing disrupted his day more than that little black clicker escaping his grasp or needing new batteries.

“The world has gone crazy,” he said aloud. There on the screen was a distraught bystander recounting the attempted assassination of Ronald Reagan to a shell-shocked nation. She told of a smiling president waving and greeting the crowd one minute, and then total chaos as shots rang out.

Harry thought he’d seen the worst life could offer, having survived the Great Depression, World War II, and retirement in suburban New Jersey, but even in those dark times he knew the American spirit would rise again. There had always been a logical cause and effect to suffering…however now it seemed we were being held hostage by random violence and little remorse.

He took a sip of his whiskey and contemplated death, the one thing Harry could not fathom. Many a pastor had implored him to embrace the gift of everlasting life, but to Harry eternity sounded too long. More like a coma than a joyous destination. It wore him out just thinking about it.

“Someone’s at the door,” his wife yelled into the TV room. She was short and round with thinning white hair.

“Why don’t you open it?” He barked.

“Could you please turn that thing down while I’m talking to you,” she said.

He punched the mute button and instantly the grief stricken woman on camera seemed more subdued.

“I said, there is someone at the front door. Two young men.”

Harry slowly got to his feet, grabbed his cane, and shuffled toward the entry. He glanced at them through the fish-eye lens peephole, their noses distorted and teeth fanged.

“Can I help you,” Harry shouted through the closed door.

“We’re selling magazines.” A voice returned.

“We’ve got all the magazines we need…thanks anyway.” Harry said, and began the journey back to his chair.

He settled into his recliner and turned the channel to the People’s Court. A short time later he heard his wife once again.

“Harry, they’re still out there.” The old woman said.

“Well, what do you want me to do?”

“I don’t like the way they’re staring at me through the kitchen window.” She whispered.

Grumbling, he raised himself up, grabbed his cane, and once more hobbled to the front door.

“You run along. I said we don’t need any magazines.” Harry yelled at the door.

“You got any odd jobs you need done around your place?” The two offered.

“Nope. We’re doing just fine. Why don’t you try somewhere else?” He said.

The boys looked at each other…then back at the porthole.

“What if we give you one hour of work free and then you pay $10 for the next hour. That’s $5 a piece.”

“One hour for free?” Harry repeated.

“Yes sir, we’re hard workers. You won’t be disappointed.”

Harry opened the door slowly and studied the boys. They were sinewy young men with broad boney shoulders. There was no mistaking the two for brothers.

“Doesn’t anybody feed you?” he asked…”Alright then, you come back on Saturday at 10 sharp…don’t be late…and I’ll put you to work.”

On Saturday morning the boys showed up precisely at 10. Harry had a list of things for them to do. They weeded the flower beds and planted new bulbs, cleaned the gutters, and repaired the fence. At noon, the couple invited the boys in for lunch and the four sat at the kitchen table eating bologna sandwiches and chips.

As the afternoon came to an end, Harry pulled out his wallet. “Let’s see, the first hour was free…so eleven to four…$50 dollars…$25 a piece.” He passed the bills over to the siblings. Both boys stared at the money and immediately jammed it into their pockets.

Just then the old woman brought out a bag of freshly baked ginger snaps. “You’re going to need a little nourishment for the trip home.” The elderly pair watched as the two young men argued over who should hold the bag.

“Don’t fight, boys. There’s plenty to go around…Listen… how would you like to come back tomorrow? I’ve got a couple more projects to finish.”

“What time?” They asked.

“Same as today…ten,” Harry said. They agreed and exchanged phone numbers in case something came up.

That evening Harry and his wife discussed the boys.

“It’s easy to judge, but you were clearly mistaken about those two.” Harry scolded.

The next day he woke early, ate his breakfast and watched the clock until it finally turned ten. Anxiously he awaited their arrival. It had been a while since he’d felt so useful and good-hearted.

At eleven he started to worry. At noon he was ranting to himself around the house. How dare those boys be so inconsiderate? How could they expect to hold down a job if they can’t show up on time?

After lunch, He sat down in front of the television and debated pouring himself a short whiskey to get his blood pressure under control. Harry had just picked up the remote when he remembered having the boy’s telephone number in his wallet. Putting on his glasses, he dialed the number.

A woman answered. Harry couldn’t be sure, but thought she sounded upset.

“Who is this?” She asked.

“My name is Harry Mills.”

“What do you want?”

“Are your boys at home?” He asked.

“No, they’re not,” she said.

“Maybe they’re on their way to my house.”

“None of your business where they are,” she said.

“Well now, that’s where you’re wrong. I hired your kids to work for me. They were supposed to show up at 10. I know kids are lazy, but do you know what time it is?”

Her shrill tone surprised Harry. “Don’t you ever offer my boys work again…do you hear me?”

“Wait one damn minute. I’m the one who should be angry. Those boys didn’t have the decency to call and tell me they weren’t coming. Don’t you think there’s something wrong with that?” Harry asked.

“What do you want from me?” she said, her voice suddenly weak and distant.

“I want you to teach them to honor their commitments. They had a job. You can’t make it in this world unless you follow through. That’s the ticket to being successful. You got to prepare those boys for the future. Employers aren’t going to give them a second chance.” Harry could feel the veins in his neck bulge.

There was a long pause…finally she spoke.

“I don’t need your advice on how to raise my sons. They are good boys. I know all about you hiring them. But you see, we don’t live like you. Have you heard of the “projects,” Mr. Mills? Well that’s where we live. When you gave my boys work, word got out they had a job, and do you know what happened to them? They were jumped on the way home and beaten to an inch of their life. Their money stolen. So don’t tell me about commitments and employers offering second chances unless you want me to come over there and show you MY follow-thru.”

Harry heard the phone on the other end slam, and was left dazed with a dial tone. He slowly got up, grabbed his cane and poured himself a stiff whiskey. Dropping back into his chair with the remote, he turned on Lawrence Welk, and as the champagne bubbles floated across the stage, and the accordion bellows swelled, he cranked up the volume until he could no longer hear the thoughts in his head.

March 22, 2013
by Annie
28 Comments

A Nice Treat

sunshine-award-1I’m one lucky blogger! Motherofnine9 just honored me with a Sunshine Award. Thank you so much, Melanie.

For those of you who don’t know what this gift is all about…here is a description lifted from another recipient.

“The Sunshine Award is an award given by bloggers to other bloggers. The receivers of the Sunshine Award are bloggers who positively and creatively inspire others in the blogsphere.”

Next…I was asked to tell you seven things you might not know about me. Here are a few humdingers.

DSC001111.Every Thanksgiving I wake up and put on my full regalia Thanksgiving Pilgrim outfit….bonnet included. It’s the only thing that gives me the strength to put my hand up a turkey’s ass. (I’m glad the Pilgrims thought to wear aprons.

2. When I was six I memorized the first few pages of Charlotte’s Web…and sadly, can still recite it. If you don’t believe me…I’ll do a webcast, and as a bonus, throw in my animal impersonations of Mr. Ed and Flipper.

3. My grandmother owned a clothing store for matronly woman. I got all my clothes there…Not because I liked them, but because they were free. Try being in middle school when all the other kids were wearing halter tops and jeans, and I showed up in a polyester brown pant suit with flowing chiffon scarves. (I spent a lot of time by myself…writing vengeful tales of wicked old Grannies)

4. Before pursuing writing I sold real estate for fifteen years. Lots of stories there! One in particular comes to mind. A divorced woman and her 17-year old son asked me to come over and give them an idea what their house was worth. Neither wanted to sell, but they had little choice due to the split. When the woman left the room to make some tea, her son lifted himself off his chair and farted LOUDLY in my general direction. (I guess he thought my bid was low.) Then he stood up and left the room, leaving me with the horrific stench. When his mother returned with a full tray of tea and homemade cookies she looked at me as if to say, “You dirty dog!” Needless to say, I didn’t get the listing.

weird instrument5. I have NO musical talent WHATSOEVER. My entire family can play anything you set in front of them, but that gene strolled right by when it came to my DNA. Despite massive efforts to find an instrument to call my own, I had to abandon all experimentation with tambourines, cowbells, and whatever that contraption is called in the photo… in favor of a pen. Writing saved me from becoming a hippie drum circle chick.

6. From 1990 to 2005 I wrote fifteen 500-page journals. One day I randomly scoured each one and decided it was time to throw them away. So far, I have no regrets. I don’t want to be remembered for those thoughts.

7. Last but not least, I love this chapter of my life. I feel very lucky to have this time to write…to be in love…and to have my family healthy and happy. I don’t take a second of this for granted. I’m blessed.

Now it’s time to pick ten fellow bloggers who I feel deserve this award for their sparkling personalities and uplifting blogs.

1. John of The Monkey Bellhop – a wise and fun read…and a terrific newfound friend.

2. Bev at Black Ink Paperie – Without fail she makes me laugh! Bev writes with such finesse and wit.

3. Laura of Catharsis- a funny, passionate writer who always seems to find time to help me when I’m rattled by technology. Thank you sweet lady!

4. Tele at Hooked…a warm, compassionate writer of the sea who just sold her book!

5. Jayne of injaynesworld – Jayne’s blog is thought-provoking. She writes wise and wonderful prose and has given me great writing tips. A real pro!

6. Nicky of We Work For Cheese- a writer who is sassy and full of hell. She is one funny woman.

7.Meleah of Momma Mia, Mea Culpa- If anyone deserves the Sunshine Award it is Meleah. The most supportive writer I’ve ever come across and a very sweet woman with great talent.

8.Robert at Arkwright’s of Orton– Robert is my writing correspondent from the U.K. and has many insightfully humorous stories to tell. He does not suffer fools lightly which keeps keeps me on my toes.

9. Ian at Ian Cochrane- Ian’s work is relatively new to me, but what I’ve read has been damn good. I love his description and how he transports me to a new place and time.

10 Tobin at Tobin Elliott- I’ve enjoyed Tobin’s writing for some time. He has a cool new site and he’s a tremendous writer.

Once again, a big THANKS to Motherofnine9 for the Sunshine Award. I hope everyone heads over to her blog, if you haven’t already and becomes acquainted with her inspirational work. Also, check out the other bloggers as they are a great group of top-notch writers!

March 20, 2013
by Annie
30 Comments

Locked and Loaded in a Techno World

gunGun control is never far from any conversation these days. Everyone has an opinion concerning their right to bear arms. It seems we have become a country hell-bent on protecting our Second Amendment rights, even at the possible expense of infringing upon other equally important ones.

I’d admit I come from a gun slinging family. My father made no secret that he was packing heat. It was an old pistol from the Civil War my great-grandfather pulled off a dead soldier. My dad kept it in his underwear drawer. Psychologically he felt better pointing an unloaded relic at a robber than threatening a fistfight. Frankly, I thought we’d have a better chance loading his briefs like a slingshot than pointing that antique pistol at a crazed crook.

When I was a kid disputes were settled on the playground. Then after the dust settled, hard feelings were mostly dropped. But times have changed. Now differences can turn into deadly feuds as young men stockpile ammunition and semi-automatic rifles capable of firing 100 rounds per minute. With an outlandishly easy pull of an index finger, a tired, fed up lost soul can unleash devastating lethality from a disengaged distance. Blurring the line between real life and video games, they compete for the highest scores and a shot at notoriety.

To be sure our deteriorating social and moral fabric is being challenged. We are abandoning the simplicity of human interaction and losing a connection with ourselves…our kids…our planet…in the name of progress. Of course it is great to have all the newest gadgets to communicate with one another without being face-to-face, but at the end of the day our human instinctual side needs contact…physical, spiritual and mental. We are starting to see consequences of abandoning the soul-feeding personal touch…in favor of a tweet, a text, or an email. It’s no wonder there is a growing percentage of kids who feel rudderless and ostracized. The resulting alienation is being treated with an array of pharmaceuticals whose side effects often include the very problem they are prescribed to alleviate. Technology is leaving our human physical side in the dust, and the connectedness that was for thousands of years a staple of our existence is being pawned cheaply for glitz, internet speed, and firepower.

The ginned up fear of a massive government takeover prevents a practical dialogue from really getting started. Even with the unspeakable dismemberment of school children, a fog hovers over what a majority are in favor of.

If this is truly a democracy by and for the people, and is the model we hold up for the world to admire as we spread it peacefully, and otherwise…we’d better take a good look at where this little 200 year old experiment is heading. I’m not so sure that a nation driven by fear, divided by the powers that be, and semi-automatically armed to the teeth sounds like the one we hear so often touted as, “The greatest country in the history of the world.”