I was late boarding my last flight from Seattle, and had to quickly hoist my heavy carry-on into an overhead compartment. The man in the seat behind watched as I struggled, then sarcastically said, “Geez lady, I’d love to help, but I’m afraid it might mess up my golf swing.”
I wrestled the thing up, falling into my seat next to a guy wearing an “END IS NEAR” t-shirt as the plane jolted back from the gate. The stewardess made her way down the aisle, stopped abruptly, pulled out the safety props and launched into her spiel. I’m always amazed that we need a refresher course on the proper technique in fastening a seatbelt. One has to ask…if 100 monkeys can change the behavioral patterns of the species, when will we unravel the mystery of the buckle?
But hands down, nothing tops the brilliance and versatility of our seat cushions. To the ordinary eye it looks like a regular DNA-doused, methane infused pillow, but somehow that sucker magically transforms into a floatation device. Could have fooled me! I began to wonder if my TV room beanbag chair could save me in case of an earthquake…or if the ancient sofa might morph into a submarine in the event of a tsunami. God only knows what pragmatic uses lie hidden in the rest of my second hand threadbare fleabag crap.
I’ve heard the emergency speech so many times that I could almost push that tight haired beauty off the mike and do it myself. Instead, I stared and listened intently, giving the appearance of someone enthralled with the complexity of exit row responsibilities. After all, I have no reason to doubt the woman believes in her safety message and that she is an integral force in the airline industry…but COME ON! If you’re going down in a ball of flames over the International Dateline, do people actually give thanks for their mounted cushions?
I hate to be so cynical, so let’s assume there is reason to cheer like the FAA optimistically suggests. I just wish someone would explain to me if that fabric shock absorber automatically releases itself, or do we have to wait until impact for it’s liberation? All I know is, if it doesn’t double as a James Bond miracle-multi-tasking device, we are going to be in deep doo-doo.
Something isn’t right. Wouldn’t you assume that if this really was a tried and true safety feature we would have seen footage of someone bobbing at sea, holding fast to their 36B cushion? The only explanation I’ve come up with is…sharks got to them before the camera crew.
To top off my thrilling flight, the plane took a couple of real NBA caliber bounces while landing, cueing the doomsday t-shirt dude to begin speaking in tongues before mercifully pulling up to the gate. As we all made our way to the exit one woman looked at the smiling pilot and said, “Was that just a rough landing or were we shot down.”