The Air A Parent


For an avid follower of the Queen of England, Prince Harry, and newlyweds Kate and William, the news of a Royal bun in the oven gave me just the excuse I needed to bump happy hour up a few time zones. The wedding still fresh in my mind, I beamed with thoughts of an heir to the throne knocking Kate’s nude French villa photos off tabloid front pages.

Then came the news of her bout with acute morning sickness…or as I usually refer to it, Hypermesis Gravidarim. God knows I was more than familiar with the term during my three pregnancies. Projectile hurling without warning, and no ladies in waiting to position the Royal bed pan.

They said on the news the symptoms included an elevated level of hormones. The look on Prince William’s face as he was escorted to a limo from her bedside at the hospital said it all. It was reported that he “needed some fresh air.” (Kate must have tore him a regal new one.) Visions of the Exorcist came to mind as I imagined poor Will offering her a cool cloth to the forehead, only to be met with a high-pitched longshoreman’s rant. He remembered his father’s words of wisdom..”When the going gets tough…A Royal goes to the country manor for a match of cricket.”

Then the earth shattering news erupted that this condition is often caused by the possibility of a multiple birth….TWINS!

This absolutely required a second cocktail in honor of potential blue blood siblings. Reports began surfacing of the various permutations, two lads, two lasses, lad and lass, etc. leading to the conclusion that the first to “crown” ….would be at the head of the line to wear it!

I’m not sure what exactly happened to my thought process at this point…all I can say is that I started channeling my inner entrepreneur. I saw it all very clearly. A reality show for the ages. A Pay-Per-View Live ultra-sound event featuring the Royal twins in a knock down drag out ultimate fight to daylight…and the throne!

It would encompass aspects of so many popular shows…Survivor, The Biggest Loser, The Real World, Toddlers and Tiaras, Half Pint Brawlers, The Real Housewives of Buckingham Palace, and of course Here Comes Honey Boo Boo.

OK…I confess to slipping in a shot of Quervo between libation numbers one and two, and maybe, just maybe that had something to do with my little carnival barker detour…but tell me you wouldn’t pay to see a full screen HD duel with those little silver spoon dudes in a rugby scrum scramble for the crown jewels!

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  1. Here in the UK we are in for nine months plus of saturation coverage, and once the poor little devil is born, every cough, letting of wind from either end will be reported faithfully.

    You wait until they start guessing names, it will be unbearable.

    Mind you I have not wish that I was a royal, to be scrutinised every move watched and every action criticised is not for me.

    • Robert, you’re so right. That baby is going to be the most photographed toddler on the planet. Every burp, the cutest ever…every change of diaper, smelling like a royal rose. Please report from the trenches. I want to hear some of the names being tossed about.

      • I can lay claim to having some years ago used the royal toilet, at the Royal Agricultural Showground. I can also report that it was tilted slightly forward so the Queen Mother could rise easier. Plus as a bonus the toilet paper had the royal crest on. I joke not.

        Talk about sitting on the wild side.

    • I believe the bookies have already started writing up a list of names

      • Yes, speculations are flying. I guess the name must follow some sort of protocol…like a name previously used by British royalty. That means that if it’s a boy, he might be Albert or Alfred, Arthur, Frederick, George, Philip, or Leopold. And if it’s a girl…Alice, Caroline, Charlotte, Eleanor, Matilda, Victoria, or Maud. Okay, I know Kate and Will won’t be calling me for advice, but PLEASE, if you happen to stumble on this post while eating tea, crumpets, and stuffed larks tongues…remember that children all over the world will suffer your choice since a crowned child becomes the newest rage. That being said, could you shy away from Maud and Leopold? Thank you.

  2. “Visions of the Exorcist came to mind as I imagined poor Will offering her a cool cloth to the forehead, only to be met with a high-pitched longshoreman’s rant.” = HILARIOUS.

    “A reality show for the ages. A Pay-Per-View Live ultra-sound event featuring the Royal twins in a knock down drag out ultimate fight to daylight…and the throne!” = Oh my goodness, yes. How can we make THAT happen?

    • All reports say that Kate is a lovely woman…a real class act. I doubt a longshoreman’s rant could ever escape those perfectly formed lips, but it’s fun to imagine. I just think a Royal Reality show would be a hoot.

  3. Best. Show. Ever.

    Any way we could get the Bachelor in there too?

    • Absolutely Wendy, the Bachelor has to make an appearance. Maybe throw Harry in there one season. He’ll have more time on his hands since when the baby arrives he’ll be tossed further down the line for the crown, leaving him free to play the roaringly funny royal. (Got to say I’m partial to Harry.)

  4. The ratings will soar – as will yours! Hilarious 🙂

  5. Thanks, Astra. I’m on hold with the networks now….trying to negotiate a contract with the palace is brutal. 🙂

  6. Robert, I never thought of Monica and the Corgi connection. Do they like lamb or steak? Oh hell, I’ll bring them filet Mignon if they can get me through the palace gates.

    • You see it’s all down to Royal Connections and perhaps leading a dog’s life!!!

      I have met The Queen and Prince Philip, plus Prince Edward, really nice people, mind you the queen is a bit on the short side.

      I would put them down as steak people, I can’t imagine them sitting with a TV dinner out of the microwave on their laps somehow.

      • Robert,
        Good insight on the Royals. No, I don’t imagine a TV dinner has hit their palates. They seem like sturdy meat and potato folks. Genuinely nice. The type who would explain the palace by saying, “It’s not much, but we call it home.” Glad to hear that you’ve met them and they are wonderful people.

  7. Better her than me. Reality show or not.

    • June,
      That’s the way I feel too. Better her than me. I’ve been in her shoes…well, not IN her shoes, but a pair of knock-offs. Besides, I’ve started to grow a strong attachment to the lining of my stomach.

  8. Yikes! Twins! As the mom of 22 year old twins who did NOT suffer from hyperemesis gravidarum at any time during my pregnancy, I can’t relate to Kate. As an anesthesiologist who HATES to vomit, I can say with confidence to the poor Royal Hurler, that’s what Zofran’s for!

  9. Ok, I read about this on Jezebel, and I have to say: poor girl. Ugh. I felt like DEATH when I was pregnant, and my morning sickness (which, btw, came at night so whoever named it was a lying bastard) was NOTHING. I never even threw up. I just clung helplessly to the side of my couch, drank water, and couldn’t even handle the smell (!!!) of chocolate.

    But I’ve heard that what Kate has is quite serious. To be hospitalized? And to have the entire world watching you? I’d be like, “You know what? Just.. I’ll just stay here for the remainder of my pregnancy. I just don’t want to deal.”

    But forget about the kids… did you hear Queen Liz may use this as an excuse to jump succession, and hand the thrown directly to Prince Bill? DRAMA!!!!!!!!!!!

  10. Hannah, so good to see you! I remember when you had night sickness. No fun. Wild new event to think that Elizabeth might by pass Charles, but I thought that was law. I don’t even know if the Queen herself can change that lineup. But here is another question that I read in Huff. “What would be very interesting is if Kate had a caesarean section. Talk about pressure on the doctor — he or she would effectively select the future Monarch. Can you image if Kate was carrying a boy and a girl and had a c-section? The conspiracy theories would begin.” This is going to get interesting. Hang on to your polo hat!

  11. oh you funny girl. what are we going to get the baby(s)? should we pitch in together for a bumbo chair or maybe a breast pump. i can send her some teat salve. what do you have?
    we must plan!!

  12. A breast pump is always appropriate, but what about that bag of calf testicles you have in the freezer? Such a treat after 18-hours of labor! Just know that my frontal lobe is working on all cylinders right now trying to come up with a gift.May have to make a trip up north to collaborate with you. This is BIG. T-8 months-and counting. Showers to plan…bassinets to buy…calf parts to thaw. 2013 is going to rock.

  13. Annie, I kind of hope it’s not twins. Just think, only one can be the heir and the other will be a spare. And it’s a crap shoot as to who’s born first. Think how bad one will feel to see their twin get all the attention. It’s different if you’re just the younger, as is Harry. You know you never had a shot. But a twin? They’ll always feel inferior. Maybe triplets would be okay. Then the two spares could commiserate and plot against the older one.

  14. Monica, a lot of really good points, especially about the heir and spare. A lot to consider. Triplet’s is one solution…although a little creepy to think they could gang up. Sounds like a bad movie. Love seeing you. Thanks for your comment.

  15. I’d love to see twin royals fighting. I’d also love to see Christina Aguilara vs. Britany Spears or Rush Limbaugh vs. Mike Tyson. A great idea for a new reality show.

  16. Nice match-ups, Anna. Still on hold with the networks. I think they’re shopping the idea. 🙂
    Thanks for popping by.

  17. Annie – since Kate’s news went global I am finding many kindred spirits who also suffered from hyperemesis. It is the reason I have only one!

  18. Lisa, I think her illness shed new light on how difficult pregnancy can be for those who suffer from hypermesis. Sorry to hear you were plagued with it. Since William says he wants two, I’m voting twins.

  19. The lucky one will be the one coming out last. I swear it. Think about it. Would you rather spend time with Harry or Wills? Harry gets all of the royal invites, the niceties, the expense accounts, but he can let his hair – and his pants – down all he wants to. I think the contest should be between which one tries to stay in the longest.
    “You first!” they squeal. “No you first,” with a push.
    Sorry, you just got me thinking. LOL!

  20. Renee, you’re bloody right! If the networks ever answer my call I’ll throw that idea past them. Of course you’ll get royalties. Nice one!

  21. I love the reality show bit – very funny – Real Housewives of Buckingham Palace. Even I might watch that. I happened to be with two UK residents when the news hit, my sister’s in-laws were visiting. They were glued to the reports. They are on the side of the fence that believe the royals are an integral part of British society and all attention paid to them is warranted. Apparently we in the U.S. are on that side as well. And why not? It seems nostalgic though its traditions never went out of style. Nice post, Annie.

  22. Steph, I like the Real Housewives of Buckingham Palace. Yes, the Brits take their royals quite seriously…as they should. They are an inspiration to many. Nothing wrong with that. We seem to have taken a fancy to them as well. By this time next year we will be watching each nap and nappy change with heightened glee. That’s when the reality show is going to take off!

  23. I’ve just found your blog and I’m kind of glad I did! Not that I’m a Royalist, particularly – though I do have a bit of a soft spot for them – but it made me laugh and that’s always a good thing.

    Of course, it also brought back (rather too vividly) my own battles with hyperemesis gravidarum, when there were some days my stomach would even reject plain water – and yes, at all hours, not just in the morning (whoever named it ‘morning sickness’ was indeed a lying bastard), so I can’t thank you for that. Those are not days I want to live through again, not even in my memory.

  24. Hahaha! Thanks for the laugh, Annie! That was brilliant.

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