The Days of Whine and Hoses

(This one is all in fun…any similarities to an oral hygienist, weatherman or mother with obnoxious children you know is just a coincidence.)

Since the divorce, Katie has been restless. The split took her totally by surprise. It seems their oral hygienist was sucking more than gum tissue and saliva. This weekend her ex has the twins so she asked me over for a glass of wine.

Since Dan’s departure, Katie is hellbent on getting back in shape. She joined a group of new mommies who workout on the beach boardwalk with their toddlers in tow. Already toothpick thin, clutching a 5-pound weight in one hand and a stroller in the other, Katie is boldly bouncing her way to a size 0 in NASA inspired aerodynamic shoes.

We met, and struck up a conversation one day when I stopped to retie a lace. I bent over at the exact moment her little Madeline decided to hurl her “Binky” at my behind. Her twin brother, Maxwell, followed her lead and before I knew it, my Lululemons were covered in Cherrios, Chex and carmel apple slices.

Katie and I became instant friends. The kids are a harder sell.

So tonight I’m at Katie’s. Her house is stunning…the rooms decorated like a Ralph Lauren showroom, down-filled over-stuffed everything with just a touch of Fischer Price for contrast. The room smells of fresh cut rose potpourri, eau de Play-Doh, and the slightest lingering trace of a download in a diaper.

We are drinking freely from one of those colostomy bags of Chardonnay. Something she likes because you never know how much you’ve consumed until the udder collapses.

Katie: I hate to admit it, but I’m lonely.

Annie: Remember the rule…One day at a time!

Katie: It’s just that I need a buddy….a playmate. Someone to meet for a drink or grab a bite to eat. Is that asking too much?

Annie: What about me? I’ve been known to drink…and eat occasionally.

Katie: I just don’t get what he sees in a platinum blonde who picks at teeth all day. What do they talk about? Gingivitis? Receding gum lines?

Annie: Do we really need to go through this again?

Katie: I can’t help myself, I’m calling Dan. I’ll make his favorite dinner…he can bring his laundry.

Annie: What about the girlfriend?

Katie: She’s not invited unless she wants to see a grown woman cry…and beg.

Annie: You’ve got to pull yourself together!

Katie: I know…I’m caving. It’s even affecting my parenting.

Annie: What do you mean?

Katie: The other day Madeline asked if I’d play dolls with her. She had her favorites lined up…a guy on a skateboard and a mom with two babies. The minute I saw that skateboard dude, I snapped. “I’ll play daddy when he gets off his skateboard and takes care of those kids!”

Annie: It’s obvious you’re stressed. Have you thought about a vacation?

Katie: Yeah, and I’ve thought about a new husband too, but it’s not going to happen.

Annie: What about that guy you met on Match?

Katie: Which one?

Annie: You know…tall, with the Gorbachev-size mole on his Ukranium?

Katie: For the last time…It was a broken blood vessel…and it healed. It’s gone. So is he.

Annie: And the weatherman?

Katie: Chase Stormwell?

Annie: Yeah, what happened to Chase?

Katie: Besides the fact that he has plugs and wears more makeup than me? Or did I mention that his Porsche had a personalized plate that read “The Chase?”

Annie: A guy should be able to have a midlife crisis.

Katie: Absolutely, I’m all for going over the top, but here’s where I draw the line. After dinner he drove me to his place. The whole damn house was covered with ceramic monkeys wearing Shriner’s hats. Perched on light fixtures, hat racks, barstools…chimps were swinging from ceiling fans to curtain rods …I swear it was a Jane Goodall wet dream.

Annie: If it was such an awful date, why did you go back to his place?

Katie: It was all very innocent. He wanted me to see a watercolor of his pussycat, Lucy.

Annie: A watercolor of his cat?

Katie: Yeah, a six-foot painting of a Tabby. Try coming up with something original to say about a Tabby!

Annie: Then what happened?

Katie: He opened another bottle of Bordeaux and one thing led to another. Before I knew it, we were in our birthday suits. I don’t know if it was wine sight, but in the buff I couldn’t help notice he had one hell of a physique. That’s when he told me about his thing for well developed calves…so he had calf implants….which led to butt cheek implants, eyelid reduction, liposuction, Botox, chest and back hair removal, and even a fairly new experimental cosmetic challenge…earlobe sculpting.

Annie: Wow…you got to hand it to the guy. He wants all bases covered when he delivers the weather.

Katie: I don’t know how it happened but we ended up in the bedroom where we accosted each other for ten minutes. Afterwards, Chase got up and skipped his bionic body to the shower while I passed out.

Annie: That’s one way to do it.

Katie: In the morning I woke totally disoriented…in a strange bedroom…remembering that I’d slept with a weather guy. But I didn’t recognize the head on the other pillow. I panicked, wondering if Chase had a roommate…or an older brother, because this guy’s face was totally different. But then I realized that it might be Chase…in another dimension…you know, without makeup.

Annie: Damn! The Twilight Zone!

Katie: Yeah, pretty frickin’ scary. His hair plugs were matted to his head, and there were little incisions everywhere. More tucks and lift lines than Aspen with ten inches of new powder.

Annie: What did you do?

Katie: I had to get out of there, but my arm was stuck under him and I knew if I lifted it, he’d wake and maybe want round two.

Annie: Hold it…you’re not doing that old coyote ugly joke.

Katie: This was no joke. I was just praying my new crown, bridgework, and ceramic fillings were up to the gnashing challenge. Luckily the TV station called with an urgent Stormwatch Dopler 2000 tornado sighting, and they needed him on the air immediately. I seized my opportunity when he shot up to get the phone, grabbed my clothes and bolted.

Annie: I had no idea it’s such a jungle out there.

Katie: Okay, that’s it. I’m calling Dan. I’ll offer to do his girlfriend’s laundry too.