I discovered TWO new money-making inventions today.
(“Two?” You say. “My, you’ve been busy!”)
That’s right…SO BUSY in fact, that I don’t know which one to patent first! So I did what any true-blooded American entrepreneur would do with success staring them in the face.
I flipped a coin.
And that little germ-ridden penny twirled as slow and laboriously as Bristol Palin in Dancing With The Stars…until it finally collapsed on its keister.
Heads. We have ourselves a winner!
SHAKE YOUR MONEY MAKER #1
A clever little product that will come in handy in these fluctuating economic times. With health costs rising, people losing their benefits, and those little erectile dysfunction pills going for 15 bucks a pop, someone has got to take the bull by the horns.
And that roughshod rodeo rider is Moi!
Hence, in a moment of brilliance, I invented…”The Poor Man’s Viagra.” A cost efficient contraption made out of two popsicle sticks and some duct tape.
(I can almost hear you now…“Wow…sounds interesting! But as a woman, why do I have this tremendous urge to cross my legs?”)
And just when the excitement seems to be growing into a frenzy faster than the return of Oprah’s Book Club, I give you…
SHAKE YOUR MONEY MAKER #2
(Which not so coincidentally is a necessary purchase to be used in conjunction with SHAKE YOUR MONEY MAKER #1)
Ladies, straighten those gams and feast your eyes on this beauty. The all-important “TWAT-TWEEZ”…for those hard to reach splinters.
(I can hear the roar of the crowd…“Where do I order? What a terrific stocking stuffer! Is there a catalog? Do you make outdoor washing machine covers too?”)
No, I fall just short of washing machine covers, but Call NOW! Operators are standing by to take your order. For just three LOW payments of $9.95 plus shipping and handling, we will rush you The Poor Man’s Viagra and TWAT-TWEEZ, plus an added bonus for the first 20 callers! That’s right…Act NOW and you’ll receive BOTH, plus a can of WD-40 for adhesive tape residue removal…and a wood cutting hack saw for erections lasting more than 4 hours. Don’t wait! Call 1-800-LIL-STIFFY.
(By law items not sold separately.)
June 3, 2012 at 10:14 pm
OMG, Annie, I never laughed so hard!! Where do you come up with this? Too many nights of late-night viewing? You need to go on the Shopping Network–stat!
June 3, 2012 at 10:38 pm
You’re right, Monica. Late night television is definitely taking potshots at my brain. But I do think the Shopping Network could be a blast. I would probably have to venture off script.
Thanks for reading!
June 3, 2012 at 11:03 pm
I do admire your creativity and your crazy too! And I think your innovative products would find quite an audience, but I’m not so sure about customers. I could be wrong of course. It has happened before, I’m sure.
June 4, 2012 at 11:39 am
Thanks, Linda. I’m not sure this is the best way to get-rich-quick, but I’m willing to invest in a few popsicle sticks and some tape…maybe give it a whirl. Thanks for reading!
June 4, 2012 at 5:34 am
… and the popsicle sticks are recyclable!
OMG, this was almost too much for a Monday Morning, but thank you!!
June 4, 2012 at 11:40 am
Yes, I thought recyclable sticks added a nice touch.
Thanks, Astra.
June 4, 2012 at 7:01 am
I think I’ll wait to order until more desperation sets in. hahaha
My kids always made fun and would do slapstick on the ‘but wait if you call within X minutes we’ll send you this pen and pencil set’
You’re so funny…weird brain…but funny. (jusskiddin you know on the weird brain). Love ya
Peabea
June 4, 2012 at 11:41 am
Damn Peabea, I forgot about the pen and pencil set! Thanks for stopping in and leaving a message.
June 4, 2012 at 8:06 am
LMAO. I’m crying here. I’ll never look at popsicle sticks the same!
June 4, 2012 at 11:43 am
Thanks Stacy. Glad I could give you a smile.
June 4, 2012 at 8:37 am
Is there anything that can’t be fixed with duct tape?
June 4, 2012 at 11:45 am
Lynne,
That’s the way I feel. Duct tape is a miracle. I bet it could have patched up Braveheart…of course then that would have ruined the end of the movie.
June 4, 2012 at 12:20 pm
Could one say Dick on a Stick? LOVE the picture of the dogs by the way, but I think I’ve told you that before.
June 4, 2012 at 12:53 pm
Ha Rossandra! Sort of a takeoff of the SNL skit “Dick in a box” with Justin Timberlake. That is still one of my favorites of all times. Thanks for commenting and for liking my dogs!
June 4, 2012 at 2:42 pm
Oh my word! Too funny. I’d like to place my order for the “TWAT-TWEEZ” – thank you very much.
June 4, 2012 at 3:03 pm
Coming right up, Meleah! Would you like the lighted version or plain TWAT-TWEEZ?
June 4, 2012 at 8:33 pm
I thought the title was the funniest thing I had ever read. Then I got to twat tweeze.
June 4, 2012 at 9:06 pm
Wendy, I’m sure there are ways around it, but I don’t see how you can master a poor man’s Viagra without a TWAT-TWEEZ. I’m just waiting for my phone to start ringing with orders!
June 5, 2012 at 6:46 am
Two popsicle sticks and some duct tape..Bwaaahhhh! That’s hysterical. Clever stuff. Thanks for the laugh.
June 5, 2012 at 9:48 am
Thanks, June. Who knew they weren’t just for Fudgesicles anymore!
June 6, 2012 at 3:22 am
And it shouldn’t be a drain on the healthcare system since they seem so concerned with the likelihood of birth control becoming too costly. Maybe the freed up funds from Viagra could actually be used to off set the cost of the pill. Yeah!
June 6, 2012 at 9:18 am
A great way to look at it! I like that!
June 6, 2012 at 2:57 pm
I am lost for words….
The sad thing is if you did an advert on a shopping channel you would no doubt sell a few.
It’s one of those rare postings that made me laugh out loud.
June 6, 2012 at 3:14 pm
Oh Robert…so glad I could make you laugh. I think if the shopping channel took these two little beauties on they might just sell. Of course I’m not staking my kid’s college education on it, but a little extra dough in my knickers wouldn’t hurt.
June 14, 2012 at 3:33 pm
Just when we thought the uses for duct tape had already been unveiled, you come up with this new discovery! Oh, Annie! You are a hoot! I’m going to echo the crowd here and say I’ll never look at popsicle sticks the same! What am I saying? I’ll never eat another popsicle for as long as I live! hee hee! Thanks for the chuckle, sister!